Jokes



From Jim Cheney
Ya might be a Star Wars Jedi Redneck if...

1. You ever utter the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

2. Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

3. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.

4. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer gray.

5. You have a rifle rack on your land speeder.

6. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

7. You have an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

8. You ever lost a hand during a light saber fight because you had to spit.

9. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum 'skeeters.

10. Wookies are offended by your B.O.

11. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer.

12. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

13 Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

14. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electroshock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

15. You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.

16. You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel shirt 'cause he looks like a little sissy in that vest.

17. You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

18. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

19. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

20. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck and a cooler.

21. In your opinion, that Darth Vader fella "jest ain't right".


Redneck vasectomy
Sent in by Pat
By Jack Knoff on 2/16/99 6:57:04 PM PST

After having their eleventh child, a couple from Tennessee named LeRoy and Sarah decided that was enough, (they couldn't afford a larger doublewide). So Rob went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.

LeRoy later said to Sarah, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to Kentucky to get a second opinion.

The Kentucky physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Tennessee. The Kentucky doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it up to his ear and count to ten.

Figgerin' that BOTH learned physicians couldn't be wrong, LeRoy went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.


Tech Support
Sent in by Tom
======================================================================

At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor’s. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.


Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)

Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"

Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"


One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book."


Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."

Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"


Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."

Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."

Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."

Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."

Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."

Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."

Customer: "What?"

Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"

Customer "No..."


Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"


Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."

Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"

Customer: "I can't open the box."

Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there."

Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."


Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:\ and type 'dir'." Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.

Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."

Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place-it can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"

Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"

Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter?


At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset bar-code or using the number beneath the bars. Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."

Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."

Customer: "What is that?"

Tech Support: "That little bar-code on the front of your computer."

Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."


And the best for last!!!!

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."

Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"

Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."

Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"

Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out that didn't work either."

Tech Support: "You did what sir?"

Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."

Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"

Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."

Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A:drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?" At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in. Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"

Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."

Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?"

Silence.

Tech Support: "Sir?"

Customer: "Yes."

Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?" Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer!"

Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"

Customer: "Ummmm."

Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?"

Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"

Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day."


More Redneck Jokes
Sent in by Pat
Author: "jewels dee" dee_jewels@hotmail.com

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? Nice tooth!

Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky: "Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad."

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? "There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?" The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"

How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia? In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.

What is a Redneck's defense in court? "Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? A documentary.

What do they call it in Kentucky? "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."

How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

Why did God invent armadillos? So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.

Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device, but wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study the researchers came to their conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented in West Virginia. Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media how they came to the conclusion. They all agree it was simple deduction, "If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."


How to get a gorilla out of a tree
Sent in by my mother in law

A man left home for work and when he opened the back door he saw a gorilla in the tree in his back yard. Wondering what to do he called animal control. They told him they would send some one right away. when the man arrived he had a stick, a pair of handcuffs ,a chewawa dog , and a shotgun. He told the homeowner that he needed his help. He said that he would climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick and when the gorilla fell from the tree the chewawa dog was trained to run up and grab the gorilla by the nuts and when the gorilla put his hands down to protect him self the home owner was to put the handcuffs on him. The home owner said OK but what was the shotgun for ? the animal controll man told him that if he fell out of the tree before the gorilla to shoot the chewawa!


10 SYMPTOMS THAT MAY INDICATE YOU ARE A REDNECK
Sen in by Babamba--ibabamba@hotmail.com

Please review the following list and answer Y or N on a separate piece of paper.

10. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

9. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

8. Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.

7. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

6. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

4. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

3. Someone in your family has passed away right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

2. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

1. The value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.


Fairy Tale
Sent in by Jim Cheney

What is the difference between a Northern Fairy Tale and a Southern Fairy Tale?

A Northern Fairy Tale begins with "Once upon a time..."

and a Southern Fairy Tale begins with "Ya'll ain't gonna believe this shit...."


Southern Astrology
Sent in by Jim Cheney

WHAT'S Y'ALL'S SIGN (Horoscope for Southerners USA)

SCROLL DOWN TO YOUR BIRTH DATE!

OKRA Dec 22 -Jan 20

Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN Jan 21 -Feb 19

Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL Feb 20 -Mar 20

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE Mar 21 -Apr 20 You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM Apr 21 -May 21

When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't -bother -me -about -it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH May 22 -Jun 21

Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains,the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS Jun 22-Jul 23

Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH Jul 24 -Aug 23

Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS Aug 24 -Sep 23

Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS Sep 24 -Oct 23

You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best -your friends and loved ones -may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN Oct 24 -Nov 22

Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO Nov 23 -Dec 21 You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.


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