1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have
both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
 CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as
his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and
rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are
no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand as far behind the toilet as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside
where he will dry himself.

 Sincerely,
 The Dog

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-hour.
Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him,
takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.  The truck driver says: "Come on man,
I was just joking.  Here, I'll buy you another drink. 
I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life.  
First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting.  
My boss, outrageous, fired me.
When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. 
The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home,
and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, 
I found that I left my wallet in the  cab. 
I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener.
I left  home and came to this bar. 
When I was thinking about putting an end to my life,
you show up and drink my  poison ..." 

Quick Comebacks to use in your neighborhood tavern .....

What's shaking?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

"What's new ?"
"Terrorists,. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

"What'd you like ?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"Hey,  how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"What's the story ?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey , there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know; if she calls, I'm not here."

"What's going on?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's life treating you?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"What's going down?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"What's the story?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girl friend's birthday and as they had 
only started dating, 
after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the 
right note: 
personal, but not too personal.
Accompanied by the girl friend's younger sister, he went to Herrod's and 
bought a pair of white gloves. 
The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. 
During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up and 
the sister got the gloves and the girl friend got the panties. 
The guy sent the package to the girl friend with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any in 
the evening. 
If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with 
the buttons, 
but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. 
These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair 
that 
she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. 
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, 
as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a 
chance to see you again. 
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away 
as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. 
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. 
I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
All my love.

PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the
Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got 
there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with
only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.
Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of 
the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was 
plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried 
over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his 
tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He 
kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."