Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A. Beat IT - we're closed. Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? A. To find a tight seal. A. Incontinence Hotline... Q. Can you hold, please? Q. What's the ultimate rejection? A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. Q. Why is air a lot like sex? A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? A. He heard the snow blower coming. Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy? A: She's withholding evidence Q. What's the difference between light and hard? A. You can sleep with a light on. Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed? A. Because they don't have balls to scratch. Q. Why is sex like a bridge game? A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand. Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy. Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive? A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog. Q. How do you double the value of a Yugo? A. You fill it with gas. Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it.
STATE OF ALABAMA DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION Last name: _________________ First name: (Tick appropriate box) [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue Age: ______ (if unsure, guess) Sex: _____M _____F _____Not sure Shoe Size: _____Left _____Right Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician > Spouse's Name _________________ 2nd Spouse's Name: _________________ 3rd Spouse's Name: _________________ Lover's Name: _________________ 2nd Lover's Name: _________________ Relationship to spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet Number of children living in household: _____ Number of children living in shed: _____ Number that are yours: _____ Mother's Name: ___________________ Father's Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? Total number of vehicles that you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks ___ Where your firearms are kept: [_] truck [_] kitchen [_] bedroom [_] bathroom [_] shed Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_ Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Guns & Ammo [_] Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO ___ How often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not applicable Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A [_] How many? Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? [_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles >>
YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM CALIFORNIA WHEN: 1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway. 2. Your were born somewhere else. 3. You know how to eat an artichoke. 4. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic. 5. Your car has bulletproof windows. 6. Left is right and right is wrong. 7. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income. 8. Your mouse has only one ball. 9. If you need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up. 10. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by. 11. You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it. 12. You drive to your neighborhood block party. 13. Your family tree contains "significant others". 14. Your cat has it's own psychiatrist. 15. You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them. 16. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance. 17. More than clothes come out of the closets. 18. "The Dead" are best live. 19. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach. 20. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse. 21. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers. 22. Smoking in your office is not optional. 23. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach. 24. When you can't meet schedule because you must "do lunch". 25. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks. 26. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news. 27. You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman. 28. You consult your horoscope before planning your day. 29. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery. 30. When all highways into the state say: "No fruits". 31. All highways out of the state say: "Go back".
Jack sold his cow and bought some magic beans to plant for food. Instead, a giant bean stalk grew up into the clouds and Jack decided to climb it to see where it led to.
He climbed and climbed and when he got to the first big leaf, there was an old, wrinkled, naked lady that offered him a proposition. She said, "I'm a fairy. You can either sleep with me or climb the ladder to success." He wrinkled his nose at her and said, "I think I'll climb."
So he climbed and climbed until he got to the next big leaf. On this leaf there was a younger, more attractive naked woman who also gave him a proposition. She said, "I'm a fairy. You can either sleep with me or climb the ladder to success." He thought about it for a moment and said, "I think I'd better keep climbing."
So he climbed and climbed and he got to the next big leaf. Here, there was a beautiful young woman who gave him the same proposition. She said, "I'm a fairy. You can either sleep with me or climb the ladder to success." He got pretty anxious at this point and thought certainly if he kept climbing the women would only get more attractive. "I think I'll climb" he said.
So he climbed and climbed and when he got to the very top big leaf, there stood a nasty, hairy, ogre of a man. Jack exclaimed, "oooh! Who are you?!" The ogre replied, "I'm Sess."
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... You came back from the dump with more than you took. ================ Two blondes were sitting around having a conversation about their sex lives. One asks the other "Do you smoke after sex?" The other woman answers "Hey, you know, I've never really looked". ================ Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean." Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?" "No," says Monica. "Mustard." ================ Q. Why is Monica Lewinsky switching parties? A. Because Democrats left a bad taste on her mouth.
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from Heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I`m going to give you a special gift. I`m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking knowingly.
Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I`ll shit on its head."
Returning home from work, a blonde woman was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps put her face in her hands and moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
There's this guy, Jack, who has a girlfriend, Wendy, who he loves alot. To prove how much he loves her, he gets "Wendy" tattooed on his private part. When it's erect, it says her name, and when deflated, it reads "Wy". When she sees her name on his masculine member, she is overwhelmed. Jack pops the question to her, she accepts and off they go to Jamaica on their honeymoon! Once there, they try out all the local culture, including a nude beach. They are having a great time, when Jack decides to get up from sunbathing, and get something to drink at the beach bar. He walks over to the bar with his deflated love muscle, trying not to let his eye wander and embarrass himself! He orders a drink from the guy at that bar who is also naked. He is surprised to note that the bartender also has "Wy" tattooed on his private part! Jack says to the guy, "Wow, what a coincidence, your girlfriend is named "Wendy" and you have her name tattooed on your private too!!!" The bartender looks slowly down at Jack's thing, back to his face and starts laughing! Flashing a wide grin, he says, "No mon. Mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica, Have a nice Day.'
Question : How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
Answer :-) 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find.
BLONDE GIRL'S BLONDE HUSBAND: A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's going on here?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy!, Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. "You IDIOT!!!," says the husband, "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids!"
Pages From A Cat's Diary DAY 752 -- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761 -- Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. DAY 762 -- Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. DAY 765 -- Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...... DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.... DAY 774 -- I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safeties assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.