This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the
help desk
 employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the
WordPerfect organization
  for "termination without just cause". This is from the taped
conversation leading up to
                                his dismissal:



"WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have
little light that tells
you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it.
Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall."

".........Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged
into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."

"....... Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you
still have the
boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got
it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."

Did you hear that Monica lewinsky got a new job?

the tabacco shop hired her as a humidor

Something To Offend Darn-Near Everyone. . .

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? 
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo"

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, 
along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the Cuban national anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a  time..."  A southern fairytale 
begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...

YOU KNOW YOUR OVER THE HILL WHEN ...
   

*   Your back goes out but you stay home. 

*   You and your teeth don't sleep together. 

*   You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you're 
not wearing any. 

*   At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating 
cereal. 

*   When you wake up looking like your drivers license picture. 

*   It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

*When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. 

*   When happy hour is a nap. 

*   When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does. 

*   When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you 
always hated it. 

*   When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. 

*   You go to step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the 
street is still there. 

*   Your idea of weight lifting is standing up. 

*   It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

*   Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer. 

*   Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr. 

*   You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. 

*   The pharmacist has become your new best friend. 

*   Getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot. 

*   The twinkle in your eye is only a reflection from the sun on your 
bifocals. 

*   The iron in your blood turns to lead in your pants. 

*   It takes twice as long to look half as good. 

*   If everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work. 

*   If your house catches fire and the first thing you grab is your 
metamucil. 

*   You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the 
whole time. 

*   You get two invitations to go out on the same night and you pick the one 
that gets you home the earliest. 

*   You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there. 

*   You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good. 

*   You get to the check out line, see how long it is, and decide what you 
have in your buggy isn't worth the wait.

*   You have more patience, but actually it's just that you don't care 
anymore.

*   Rocking in a rocking chair feels like a roller coaster ride.

*   You confuse having a 'clear conscience' with a bad memory.
 
*   You finally 'get your head together' and your body starts falling apart.

*You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even 
remember being on top of it.

While working at a local TV station, I asked the weatherman what kind of 
reaction he got at home if he predicted good weather but it rained and 
spoiled a family outing. "My wife doesn't get mad," he replied: "She just 
develops a cold front."
{Charles Pulsipher in Reader's Digest}

<*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*> 

One night after his evening service, a priest decided to take a walk. A wrong 
turn led him into the red light district. On the first corner, he saw a 
hooker dressed in a halter and hot pants leaning against a lamp post. Seeing 
the fallen woman, the priest went up and said, "My dear, I have spent my 
nights praying for you." 
"No need to do that, Father," the hooker said. "I'm here every night. You can 
have me any time you want."


<*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*> 
The children and grand children of an elderly woman decided to send grandma 
on a cruise. Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser. 
He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D."
She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.?
He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck."

She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and 
he said, "I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C"
Grandma replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?"
The purser said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin."

Grandma, needless to say, was delighted. She then showed her ticket to the 
cabin boy and he said, "Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B."
"B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked grandma.
The cabin boy answered, "B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed."

"Oh" she said; "Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful."
Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room 
with trays of food for her Breakfast In Bed and she said, "F.U.C.K"
Shocked, they said, "F.U.C.K? What do you mean F.U.C.K.?", to which she
replied, "Yes, F.U.C.K. First U Could Knock!"

My friend, let's call her Jen, is a college student. When she is not busy partying and enjoying college life, or doing homework and studying, she is usually on her Computer. One day, soon after she had broken up with her boyfriend, she was home alone on a Friday night for the first time in the three years they had been dating. She was sad, alone and depressed, so she decided to make a new homepage.

While she was playing on the net, she decided to get onto a chatline. Being the wild psycho she is, she logged onto a sex line. Over the line, she met a guy who identified himself as Jeremy. She started playing with him, gave a false name, saying her name was "Katie," and started getting into detail about what she would like to do him with her tongue. He responded by telling her to picture being naked while his hands ran over every square inch of her body. Soon they were having cybersex. This went on for awhile, and then she got off the line agreeing to meet him back on the line the following night.

Saturday night rolls around, and Jen, as 'Katie,' is on the line with Jeremy again. They become even closer this night, and they continue like this for a week. At the end of the week, they started talking about other things and got into very intimate issues and feelings. They became close, exchanging details about their lives, but Jen didn't tell Jeremy she was in college, because she was afraid of sounding like an immature college girl. She felt guilty, but after a few weeks, she really liked this guy. The virtual relationship carried on like this for months, and the months turned into a year. By the end of the year, they had exchanged their most intimate thoughts, but had never even spoken on the phone. They were afraid of ruining the mystery.

'Katie' & Jeremy had done everything sexually possible over the net, and they were affectionate as well, waiting for the day that they could someday be together.

Finally the time had come; they had to meet each other. They were in love. They didn't care about age or looks, but only for each other.Jeremy told Jen he thought she could be his next wife. Jen was wary at first, but decided she didn't care how old or ugly he might be. She loved him, and he was the only one she could feel comfortable with. They planned a trip to meet in Vail, Colorado. They were finally going to see each other and spend the rest of the weekend together. As Jen didn't want the hassle of trying to recognize someone she's never seen, she said, "Why don't you just get a room? We'll meet there, and that way there will be no mistake." Jeremy agreed.

Jen showed up at the resort first and checked in, telling the desk lady to hold a key for the next party. She then went up to the room. Wanting things to be special, she lit some candles and put on some music. She stripped naked and climbed into bed under the covers, deciding to surprise Jeremy when he got there.

The lights were out and the mood was right when she heard a key in the door.She heard someone walk in and around the corner.

She whispered, "Jeremy?"

A voice replied, "Katie?"

"Yes," she said, so he fumbled for the light and turned it on to see Jen on the bed naked before him.

Then next thing heard around the world were two blood curling screams. Jen covered herself up, and in her most humiliated voice said,

"Dad?"

George Carlin Quotes 
 
 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 
 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 
 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and 
apes? 
 5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help 
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 
 6. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going 
as ghosts but as mattresses? 
 7. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 
 8. Is there another word for synonym? 
 9. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" 
10. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 
11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered 
plant? 
12 If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 
13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 
14. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will 
clean them? 
15.If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 
16. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain 
silent? 
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 
20. How do blind people know when they are done wiping? 
21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 
22. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 
23. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 
24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 
25. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. 
26. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. 
27. The older you get, the better you realize you were. 
28. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 
29. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 
30. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. 
31. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him  how to fish, and 
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 
32. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? 
33. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 
34. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 
35. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? 
36. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 
37. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 
38. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 
39. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?