20. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by OJ Simpson 19. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION 18. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT 17. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA 16. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman 15. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore 14. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN 13. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS 12. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS 11. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB 10. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 9. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE 8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN 7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN 6. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA 3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS 2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY And the Number one World's Shortest book:...... (look down ) 1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton
Two guys sitting in a bar. One says to his buddy, " What do you do if you come home and find your wife fucking your best friend?"
His buddy answers, " I throw her ass out into the street along with her clothes."
"Yeah, but what about your Best Friend?"
"Hell, a rolled up newspaper and a "BAD DOG" will take care of that"
Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (Outside the Family) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still > considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on...
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafailin
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!
A man was driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads.....SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination...drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says...SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third...SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the side of the parking lots, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads SISTERS OF MERCY He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business"...he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door," and leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in the nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.
A good ole boy walks up to a good ole girl and says "Howdy. How you like to come up to my place and have a little fun?" "Well, I've heard about you good ole boys. Where exactly are you from?" "I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills." "Oh, I've heard about you guys from Kentucky," she said, "you guys will screw pigs and goats and cows and chickens..." He interrupts in a very indignant tone, "CHICKENS?!!!"
Tom, Dick and Harry, three explorers, were captured by cannibals in the jungles of Borneo. The cannibal chief says to them (amazingly, he could speak English!): "If you pass the tribal test we will let you live. Go into the jungle and gather 10 items of the same fruit." So the three guys scamper into the woods, and Tom comes back first with 10 apples. The chief explains the trial to him: "You must shove the fruits up your rectum without any expression on your face or you will be eaten." The first apple was OK, but Tom winced in pain on the second apple, and was promptly killed and went to heaven (he was a good explorer). Dick comes back with 10 berries, and the chief explains the trial to him as well. Dick doesn't think it should be too tough, and begins. > > 1...2...3... 4...5... 6... 7... 8... but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and is killed. Tom and Dick meet in heaven, where Tom asks, "Dick, why did you laugh? > > You almost got away with it!" Dick replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw Harry coming with an arm load of pineapples."
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
A bartender was washing some glasses when an elderly Irishman came in and, with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, painfully pulled himself up, and asked for a sip of Irish whisky. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus sitting down there?" The bartender nodded, and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whisky also. The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded, and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti also. The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in, dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up with a cold one. Hey, is that God's boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!"
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly, "You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you ?"
TOP 25 COUNTRY SONGS
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth "Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye"
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
21. I Bought A Car From A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run
So We're Even
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back And Cryin' Over
You
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
8. Please Bypass This Heart
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the number 1 favorite counrty song is:
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke
Up With A Few.
One day God was looking down to earth and saw all of
the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel
down to earth to check it out.
So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth
for a time.
When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on earth,
95% of the people are bad and 5% are good people.
He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better
send down a male angel to get both points of view. So, he
called a male angel and sent him to earth to see what he could find.
When the angel returned he went to God and told him, yes,
the earth was in decline, 95% of the people are bad
and 5% are good.
God said this was not good. He decided to send an e-mail
to the 5% that were good and encourage them, something to
help them keep going.
Do you know what that email said?
?
?
?
?
Oh, you didn't get one either huh?
One weekend four guys went golfing,during the 4th hole ,the following conversation took place. First guy; "You have no idea what I had to do to come out golfing this weekend.Ihad to promise my wife to paint every room in the house next weekend''. Second guy;'' Thats nothing, I had to promise my wife to build a new deck for the pool ''. Third guy; " Man, you both have it easy, I had to promise to remodel the kitchen,for my wife. They continue to play the hole, then they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.So they asked him, " You havent said anything about what you had to do to come golfing, Whats the deal ?" Fourth guy; " I just set the alarm for 5:30 am,when it went off, I reach over and shut it off, gave the wife a nudge and said," Golf course or intercourse ?" She said "Dont forget your sweater..
Hillary is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete physical, only to find out that she is pregnant She is furious and can't believe this has happened. She calls the White House and gets Bill on the phone, and immediately begins to berate him, screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all of the trouble going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this has happened! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! How could you? Well, what have you got to say?" There is nothing but silence on the phone. She screams again: "CAN'T YOU HEAR ME?" She finally hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper he says, "Who is this?"
Dear Redneck Son; I'm writin' this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Maw