Some More Children's Books that didn't make it. 
 
 1. You are Different and That's Bad. 
 2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables. 
 3. Dad's New Wife Robert. 
 4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share. 
 5. The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking. 
 6. Kathy Was so Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her. 
 7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence. 
 8. All Cats go to Hell. 
 9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched. 
 10. Some Kittens Can Fly. 
 11. That's it, I'm Putting you up for Adoption. 
 12. Grandpa gets a Casket. 
 13. The Magic Work inside the Abandoned Refrigerator. 
 14. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia. 
 15. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy. 
 16. Strangers Have the Best Candy. 
 17. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way. 
 18. You were an Accident. 
 19. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will. 
 20. Pop! Goes the Hamster..And other Great Microwave Games. 
 21. Your Nightmares Are Real. 
 22. Where Would You Like to Be Buried? 
 23. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? 
 24. Places where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things. 
25. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry. 

The following quotes were taken from live breathing men..... I am ashamed...


Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going 
to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."   

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: 
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like 
Norman Einstein."   

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up 
alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, 
then line up in a circle."   

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman 
because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to 
be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, 
measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."   

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with 
promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out 
smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."   

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he 
keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I 
forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%@# clothes."   

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during 
his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs 
that we went to."   

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every 
level, except college and pro."   

Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of 
heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock 
in the morning regardless of what time it is."   

1991 - Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that 
a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the 
real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."   

1986 - Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a 
loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on 
lousy officiating."   

1991 - Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as 
opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just 
darker."   

1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I 
told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He 
said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"   

1991 - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, 
John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."   

1987 - Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting 
what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks 
to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."   

1992- Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 
7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As 
general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."   

1982 - Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, 
explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at 
practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going 
to be an uncle or an aunt."  

Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stall-Mate

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I 
borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily 
function noise.

4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into 
the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get in there."

9. Say, "Humus.  Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the 
stall walls of your neighbor's while yelling, "Whoa!  Easy boy!"

11. Say, "Interesting...more floaters than sinkers.'"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper 
and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor.  Then say, "Whoops, could 
you kick that back over here please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me now."

14. Fill a balloon with cream corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over 
your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the 
balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it 
on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggott."

16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.  Now what am I 
gonna do?"

17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you un-roll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your 
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent 
stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see 
your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

IDIOT SIGHTINGS.
 
Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport
employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?"
 
I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
 
He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
 
Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the
street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine,
when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it
signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled,
"What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
 
Sighting #3: At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving
the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is
fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was
spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights
of an approaching truck.
 
Sighting #4: I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back
into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system
would not turn on.
 
Sighting #5 (a rare "double sighting"):
A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put
all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room.
When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea
too.
 
Sighting #6 (from Tech Support):
TECH SUPPORT: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
INDIVIDUAL: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she
downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
 
Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):
TECH SUPPORT: What is the prompt on the screen?
Individual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."
TECH SUPPORT: Okay, so type in your last name.
INDIVIDUAL: How do you spell that?
 
Sighting #8 (Auto Mechanic) When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been
accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a
mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched
from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and
discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"
"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."

IGNORANCE IS BLISS!!


   A redneck buys several pigs, hoping to breed them
 for ham, bacon,
 etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of
 the pigs are
 getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet
 tells the redneck
 that he should try artificial insemination.

 The redneck doesn't have the slightest idea what this
 means but, not
 wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the
 vet how he will
 know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him
 that they will
 stop standing around and will instead, lay down and
 wallow in the
 mud when they are pregnant.

 The redneck hangs up and gives it some thought. He
 comes to the
 conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has
 to impregnate
 the pigs. So he loads the pigs into his truck,
 drives them out into
 the woods, has sex with them all. Then he brings
 them back and goes
 to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the
 pigs. Seeing
 that they are all still standing around, he
 concludes that the first
 try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.
 He drives them
 out to the woods, does each pig twice for good
 measure, brings them
 back and goes to bed.

 Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just
 standing around.
 One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load
 them up and
 drives them out to the woods. He spends all day with
 the pigs and,
 upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

 The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from
 the bed to look
 at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell
 him if the pigs
 are standing around or laying in the mud. "Neither,"
 she says,
 "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking
 the horn."

Dear Consumers:
     
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the   WINDOWS 98 SOUTHERN 
EDITION may have inadvertently been shipped outside the South.  If you have 
one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands.
The southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen.
It reads WINDERS 98 with a background art of Gen. Robert E. Lee superimposed 
on a Confederate flag.  It is shipped with a Dukes of 
Hazard screen saver.
     
Please also note:
1. The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
2. My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption" 
3. Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys" 
4. Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
5. Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"
6. Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic disc thangs"
7. Instead of an error message, a garbage bag and roll of duct 
tape pops up.
     
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION 
1. OK: ats aw-right
2. Cancel: piss on it
3. Reset: try er agin
4. Yes: yep
5. No: nope
6. Find: hunt fer it
7. Go to: over yonder
8. Back: back yonder
9. Help: hep me out here
10. Stop: kwitit
11. Start: crank er up
12. Settings: sittins
13. Programs: stuff at duz stuff
14. Documents: stuff I done did
     
Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital 
letters or punctuation marks.
     
PROGRAMS EXCLUSIVE TO WINDERS 98
     
1. tiperiter: A word processing program 
2. colerin book: a graphics program
3. cyferin mersheen: calculator
4. outhouse paper: notepad
5. jupe-box: CD player
6. iner-net: Microsoft Explorer 4.0
7. pichers: A graphics viewer
8. irs: MS accounting software
9. irs2: MS accounting software with hidden files 
10. tax records: Generally an empty file
11. coon dawg: American Kennel Club records
     
You'll also recognize WINDERS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION as it 
comes preloaded with certain "Favorites" for browsing the Worldwide 
Web:
     
1. Fish: Bass Anglers Sportsman Society 
2. NRA: National Rifle Association
3. Shotgun: Remington Arms home page 
4. Riffel: Winchester home page
5. Pisstul: Smith & Wesson home page
6. Truck: Ford & Chevy dealers by zip code
7. House: Mobile home repair services and movers by zip code 
8. Cuzzins: Complete database of southern residents
9. Bud: List of Budweiser distributors by zip code
10. Rasin: NASCAR racing schedule w/TV stations carrying races 
11. Car 'n Truck Repair: Junk yards by zip code
12. Doc: Veterinarians by zip code
     
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a 
copy of the SOUTHERN EDITION.  You may return it to Microsoft 
for a replacement version.
     
 hope this helps all y'all.
     
Billy Bob Gates - Head Honcho

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you're 
the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they 
present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable 
of curing all diseases, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping 
out hunger and poverty, and
permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the 
most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for 
narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really 
sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to 
have him killed.

 4. What about hugging another male?

A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to 
win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
   (1) He is legally within the base path,
   (2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and
   (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to
cause fractures.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and 
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday 
afternoon the two of you are taking it easy.  You're watching a football 
game; she's reading the papers. Suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she 
tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear 
the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says 
she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe 
that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't 
want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly 
say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you 
don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the 49ers called a draw play on third and 
seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to 
spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows the 
world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when 
she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her 
eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get 
your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so 
large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to 
be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the 
garbage regularly in case somebody (and we are not naming names, but this 
would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is 
frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate 
relationship with it than with her.


11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact 
Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they 
finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally 
got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A.  Democracy.
B.  Religion.
C.  The remote control.

ANSWERS:

All "real men" answer 'C' to all of the questions.
(Were you surprised?)
Thank You,

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN.... 

* Your chili's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop. 

* You think "six to ten pounds" on the side of the Pampers box means how
much the diaper will hold. 

* You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. 

* You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve
yourselves. 

* Your wife owns a camouflage nightie. 

* You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. 

* Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. 

* Your dog goes "oink!" 

* You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time. 

* Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache. 

* Your dog passes gas and you claim it. 

* Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom. 

* You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside. 

* Turning on your lights involves pulling a string. 

* You wore curlers to your wedding so you would look nice at the
reception. 

* You have a refrigerator just for beer. 

* Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture. 

* You come back from the dump with more than you took. 

* The trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything. 

* You consider a six pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality
entertainment. 

* You prefer to walk off the excess length off your jeans rather than
hem them. 

* You have a tennis ball on your antenna. 

* You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts. 

* Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road." 

* You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window. 

* You've never been too drunk to fish.

A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of 
gorilla.  Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and 
difficult to handle.  Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the 
problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male 
gorillas of the species available.
 
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part 
time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like 
most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a 
female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a 
solution. Ed was approached with a proposition; would he be willing to have 
sex with the gorilla for $500.
 
Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over 
carefully.  The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, 
but only under three conditions.  "First," he said,
"I don't want to have to kiss her. Second, you must never tell anyone about 
this."  The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions,  so they 
asked what was his third condition.  
 
"Well," said Ed. "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five 
hundred bucks."