The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they
 had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five
 years.

 The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto
 makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup
 trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the
 circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

 They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words
 of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

 Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final
 words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

Men are like.....Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like....Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like.....Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like.....Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Noodles.
They're always in hot water, they lack taste and they need dough.

Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or 
extremely small.

Men are like.....Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he 
will last.
 
Men are like.....Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road
drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.  The passenger, Bubba,
said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said.  "We'll just pull over and
finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it
on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under
the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.  When they
reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Earl said.  "We're on the patch."

The After Life

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was
that there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the
first to go and true to his word he made contact.

"Mary... Mary.... "

"Is that you Fred?"

"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."

"What is it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I
have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have
lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till
late at night, sleep then start all over again."

"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas." 

 I am in shape. Round's a shape...
 
 I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
 
 Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
 
 I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
 
 Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
 But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
 
 You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother started walking five miles a
 day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
 
 Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing a bank
 robbery has just taken place.
 
 I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
 other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the 
 locks, they are always locking three.
 
 Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
 image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over
 it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid
 of the body before you do the wash.
 
 I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
 because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is
 attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
 
 A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You
 know a cow was murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a
 psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have
 to kill you too.'
 
 Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the
 James Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton
 Adult Bookstore.
 
 When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown. But it takes only
 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head.

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season

and the wife and I took our hot cocoa and sat for hours by the window

watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a

Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love

snow!



December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow

covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there

be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea

I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy

again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the

snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the

driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!



December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a

disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have

a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll

have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow

again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad

he's our neighbor.



December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to

-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away,

but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway And sidewalks. This is the
 life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.

l didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll

certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff

so.



December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.

Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the

freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I

think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.



December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rearend on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like you cant believe. The wife

laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.



December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.

Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay

warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.

Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I

hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my

own living room.



December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the stuff

last night. More shoveling. Took all day. That dumb snowplow came by

twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too

busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.



December 21: Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a

snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I

think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it

done and bill me. I think he's lying.



December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more

inches of the white crud fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't

melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to

shovel and then I had to use the bathroom. By the time I got undressed,

went, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob

who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's

too busy. I'm sure he is lying.



December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife

wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she

nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did

but I think she's lying.



December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.

Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a gun

who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his ears. I

know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and

then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all

over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas

carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for that

snowplow.



December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the misserable slop

tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I
I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation

and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad

attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful

Life" one more time, I'm going to scream!



December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER

idea. She's really getting on my nerves.



December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.



December 28: Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE B***CH is

driving me crazy!!!!!



December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it

could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he

think I am?



December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a

million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches of

snow predicted.



December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.



January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they

keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Answer first........This might make you think.
   -
  Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
  three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded,
  and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?

  Now, read the next question before scrolling down to the answer to Q1.

  Q2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts.
  Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

  Candidate A - Associates with crooked politicians, and consults
  with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes
  and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

  Candidate B - He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until
  noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.

  Candidate C - He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't
  smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital
  affairs.

  Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no
  peeking, then scroll down for the answer..........




  Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
  Candidate B is Winston Churchill
  Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

  ....and by the way: Answer to the abortion question - if you said>  yes, you just killed Beethoven.

1. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

2. When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer.

3. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have beer on your breath.

4. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.

5. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.

6. Hangovers go away...women don't.

7. When you're finished with a beer, the bottle is still worth a nickel.

8. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

9. A beer always goes down easy.

10. You can share a beer with your friends.

11. Beer is always wet.

12. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.

13. A frigid beer is a good beer.

14. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.

15. You can enjoy a beer all month long.

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. "What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys fan." the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.

"I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big.. very big... an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind. Surely they knew her hesitation about joining them the elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then ... One of the men said, "Hit the floor."

Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed.

More seconds passed.

She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." T

he one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.

She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.

"When I told my man here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say.

The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter while they walked back to the elevator.

The woman brushed herself off. >She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room-a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was signed,

Eddie Murphy

Michael Jordan